Are you there, little Pocky?

Whilst I type this, I'm wrapped up in the warmth of the duvet with only the gentle rustling of bare branches beyond the window, trying to feel our little Pocky. I'm still not totally sure if the subtle rolls inside my tummy are my baby, and I still can't really get my head around it being in there. I feel a bit like I'm waiting for something to click into place in my mind.

There is so much going on at the moment that I feel like I haven't given myself enough chances to stop still and take it in. What with the house and work deadlines, sometimes I actually forget, and that's the last thing I want to do. I want to be able to bottle up every moment, as being pregnant and experiencing it with my best friend and love is like nothing else.

I've been going to bed too late, spending what little daylight there is in an airless office and battling my way home on two tubes, a train and a bus. Today it all got a little bit much. I feel silly saying that I felt exhausted, as I know I have yet to experience the true meaning of the word with what we have to come and my work's not really hard. But with sweet Jonny's persuasion and a little reminder that me and the baby need some rest, I've stayed at home with my Buddy-cat. I feel guilty. The guilt of taking the day off as a freelancer and the guilt of being a little bit pathetic. I have huge respect for any mummas to be who get on with physcially demanding or super stressful careers with other kids in tow, as in comparison to many, I have nothing on my plate.

We have our 20 week scan tomorrow (which, being the 'anomaly' scan, I am pretty nervous about). Perhaps seeing again will help me believe it though. Of course, it's also the time the gender could be revealed... I always swore I'd never want to know and Jon is sure of that too. However, just lately I've been waivering. I don't know if i'm 100 percent sure, as obviously there's no going back. I just wonder if it would make it feel more real. To help give those self-conscious whispers to my non-responsive belly button a bit more weight. To be able to imagine a bit better, the little mystery human being that's the focus of our thoughts and dreams.

I did this quiz last night. One question that perhaps summed up my changing school of thought was 'when you book a holiday, do you like to plan everything'. Perhaps my Google Drive full of spreadsheets is a good reflection of my psyche. I'm a little bit of a control freak. Yes, I like suprises. Yes, I used to save my Christmas presents till the end of the day so the fun wouldn't be over. But maybe that's because I was kidding myself - I'd always managed to do a little bit of sneaky detective work beforehand for reassurance.

If we found out, we'd get both an amazing suprise tomorrow, plus five months of dreaming and everything after that. Again, that's hoping and hoping that everything goes well. Little person, whoever you may be, we love you so much already. So I guess it shouldn't really matter, right?

Jon just took the quiz, and it said we should wait. I'm so confused! What would you do?